


Loves You, Loves You Not

by youllbeadentist



Category: 18th Century CE RPF
Genre: -mutters- heterosexual sex, Angst, Crying, F/M, How Do I Tag, Im not even quite sure what there is, M/M, Pregnancy, Sex Dreams, The character tag order got weird by the way sorry guys, adultery(?), also gay sex, dont kinkshame me too hard, references to hamilton the musical, slight historical innacuracies, some vomiting too, what even is a sex tbh
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-28
Updated: 2016-05-30
Packaged: 2018-07-10 15:53:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 8,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6992284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youllbeadentist/pseuds/youllbeadentist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Actual description I pitched to my 'editors' ( my nerds I hang out with) "so guys imagine,,,,,,,,,,,,, eliza finds out ham n laurens are DOIN IT"</p><p>But seriously picture Edward Munch's 'The Scream' with Eliza's face and you have this fic. Rated M for aforementioned 'doing it' but its not real detailed.  I'll bump it to an 'Explicit' if asked.</p><p>This isn't as much of a shitpost as it sounds please give me a chance. Also these characters are not portrayed as they are in the musical, but as they were as real life historical figures</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Her sister had appeared tense as she laced up the wedding gown. Eliza noticed the way her fingers paused at every bow just slightly, how she refused to make eye contact with her even as they had discussed the ceremony. But more than that she could  _ feel _ it, like a palpable presence in the room. She had always been closest to Angelica, closer than she felt to the rest of her siblings, and she knew it went both ways. As soon as they met eyes they could not only understand each other, but reflect the other's feelings as though they were her own. Even now, though she was happier than ever before on her wedding day, her head ached in response to her sister's tenseness.   
  
When the dress was on and the veil was attached Angelica turned her around to face the mirror. In the unfamiliar gown she felt like a stranger, cloaked in white and lace. Her shoes were a pinch too small, but she only really needed to wear them down the aisle. "You're beautiful," Angelica announced, but her voice cracked with unspoken nerves. Eliza could not let herself ignore those nerves any longer. "Angelica, is something wrong? You sound..." She paused, racking her brain for the right phrasing. "You sound distraught."   
  
Angelica sighed, audibly. It rang in the small dressing room like a bell, echoing and fading. "I...I am worried. About your husband," she finally said, subconsciously twisting a stray strand of her hair. "Alexander? Why so?" Eliza prompted, taking a step closer to her sister. Angelica looked down, seemingly hesitant. Something must have clearly been bothering her. She was usually so confident, honest with herself and others and wanting to be heard. Why was she suddenly without words? After an agonizing silence she spoke. "It is about that friend of his. Laurens."    
  
Eliza was confused, and she was sure it showed as she felt her face contract into a puzzled look. "John? What of him? I've been introduced to him and he appears to be quite a nice man. Alexander speaks of him often." Angelica stood still, as if wondering what to respond with. "I have reason to believe -" She swallowed visibly. "I have reason to believe there is a, a more intimate streak to their relationship."   
  
The confession hung in the room like a haze, floating around Eliza and Angelica. It took Eliza a second to catch up to what Angelica had implied, uttering "What do you-" before it hit her like a runaway carriage. Alexander. Laurens. Intimate. Alexander. Laurens.  _ Intimate _ . “Angelica, how could you -” She shook her head, trying to shake away the imagery her sister's words had concocted. “That is a very,  _ very _ serious speculation. What is your reason to believe?”

 

“I recently purveyed a selection of the correspondence between the two of them,” Angelica began. Her dark eyes grew darker as she spoke, and she looked like she had seen a ghost. “The language in them - I felt compelled to wash myself after coming in contact with them. Does he write in such a,” she frowned, gathering her thoughts. “Such a lecherous manner, when he writes to you?” Eliza frowned. “Why have you been going through his letters?” She asked assertively. Angelica shook her head dismissively. “Not important. Does he?” “My Alexander is a gentleman. Sure, he has his jokes, but he,” Eliza grimaced softly. “He doesn't. He does not.”

 

Angelica’s features hardened. She took a step back from her sister, looking as serious as Eliza had ever seen her. “Elizabeth, I want you to read these letters for yourself. I worry for you. You are still young and, and,” she inhaled deeply. “I will not let him break your heart. He is ambitious and strong willed. I fear that he may struggle to know when too far is too far.” She looked distant, as though she was staring through the wall and into the banquet hall where the guests were beginning to gather. “He is a man who will never be satisfied.”

 

“Where are the letters?” Eliza implored, snapping Angelica from her haze. “They are in Peggy's closet, on the floor in a box tied with string. I think he told her they were a present for you, so he needed to hide them.” Eliza frowned in response. “How bizarre. Why are they in such an odd spot?” Angelica sighed again, but she sounded more tired, less uncomfortable than before. “I don't know, Betsey. What does he have to hide?”

 

Angelica left the room without another word, opting to instead run her fingers through Eliza’s hair almost longingly. Eliza's head spun wildly, trying to comprehend what her sister had just confessed to her. Could he and Laurens really be-? No. No. No. Her attempted analysis melted into a mantra of that word, over and over until she heard a knock at her door.   
  


“Betsey? Betsey, dear?” Eliza knew who her visitor was as soon as she heard his voice. “Alexander, you mustn't see me in my dress! You'll bring us bad luck!” She called back to him, laughing as he walked in anyway. “Oh, but you're just so beautiful, Eliza,” Alexander replied back, embracing her gently. He lifted her veil and looked into her eyes lovingly. He had the most beautiful eyes, violently blue like the distant sea. She melted into his arms. His eyes always had that effect on her, had ever since the day they had met. Love at first sight. Isn't that romantic? 

 

“I came by to tell you that I just received a letter from John. He can't make it for tonight, he's being held up by,” he frowned quick and tight before continuing. “Well, by something or other. He didn't really say. But he has to stay in South Carolina a few days longer than he intended to.” The mention of Laurens ripped Eliza from her bliss back to her anxious state. “Oh...that's too bad, dear,” she replied quickly, not sure what else to say. He smiled at her warmly. “It’s a shame he can't attend. But I believe that regardless, this night shall be the best of our lives.” Then he kissed her. He leaned in to her and pressed his mouth to hers, quickly but hotly and full of passion. “I love you,” he whispered in her ear before pulling away and leaving her to herself again.


	2. Chapter 2

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered together here…”

 

Eliza tapped her feet anxiously as she stood next to Alexander, waiting for the ceremony to go through. She looked at him intently, but his eyes never met hers. He looked instead at the priest. She realized, in that moment, the vast realness of what she was about to do, the vast infinity of things she did not know about him. The vast infinity of things she did know. The vast infinity of things she would learn. Again her mind turned over the same stone, a single concept repeating and repeating. Did he really have….intimate relationships other than her? With other men? It didn't seem fathomable. He loved her.  _ He loved her _ . He had said so.

 

“Alexander Hamilton, does thou pledge to have this woman to thy wedded wife, to live together after God's ordinance in the holy estate of matrimony? Does thou pledge to love her, comfort her, honour, and keep her in sickness and in health; and, forsaking all others, keep thee only unto her, so long as ye both shall live?”

 

“I do.”

 

“Elizabeth Schuyler, does thou pledge to have this man to thy wedded husband, to live together after God's ordinance in the holy estate of matrimony? Does thou pledge to love him, comfort him, honour, and keep him in sickness and in health; and, forsaking all others, keep thee only unto him, so long as ye both shall live?”

 

“I do.” Eliza's voice cracked slightly, part way from her nerves, part way from having not been in use.

 

“The rings, please.”

 

Eliza's hand trembled as Alexander slipped the ring on her slim finger. She repeated the gesture, hoping her nervousness was invisible to him.

 

“You may kiss the bride.”

 

And he did. He wrapped his arms around Eliza’s waist and held her to his body, kissing her as the guests cheered. He slipped his tongue into her mouth and kept it there just a moment before pulling away. The two of them turned to face the crowd of their family and friends, and Alexander grabbed Eliza's hand and held it up triumphantly as though he had won a prize. 

 

The plan had been initially to seat everyone together to eat, but as the night wore on they separated into Eliza's friends and family on one side and Alexander's friends on the other. Eliza felt disappointed as she and her sisters ate and watched the guests interact. She frowned watching Alexander especially. He looked impatient, glancing over at the grandfather clock against the wall. She could see even from a distance that he was chewing on the inside of his mouth, which she knew he did whenever he was waiting for something. 

 

“Don't you think it would be nice if he came over here?” She asked casually, tilting her head to gesture to the other side of the table. Angelica shrugged noncommittally, taking a large bite of her steak, but didn't say a word. She hadn't spoken to Eliza since their exchange before. She turned to Peggy instead, who was poking at her own food but looked to give a smug grin. “Don't worry, Betsey,” she said, and Eliza could hear the smirk in her voice. “You'll be seeing enough of him tonight!”

 

Eliza put a hand to her mouth in mock scandal, inhaling sharply and melodramatically. “Margarita, watch your language! Cornelia is here!” she laughed and covered the ears of bumbling two year old Cornelia. Peggy had a point, however; she and Alexander had shared their intimate moments, sure, but they hadn't ever- well, not really. But it was going to happen; that's what happens after all on your wedding night. Though she felt bad for it one of the many pros of marrying Alexander was that they could then be...intimate without risking the integrity of the Schuyler name.

 

Half an hour before the celebration was to officially end, Eliza caught Alexander check the clock, stand up very suddenly, and began to head out the door. He called something out to his friends and walked back into the house without saying anything to her. She frowned, calling out, “What's going on?” to the other side of the table. “I think he had some work he needed to take care of,” Lafayette shouted back, but didn't care to elaborate and instead returned to his meal. Eliza looked to the door, sighing and eventually returning to the festivities.

 

At around one in the morning, when everyone finally returned to their own homes, Eliza herself was getting ready to go to bed. Alexander had not yet reemerged from his non descript work obligation, so she changed into her nightgown and decided she would wait for him. After pulling on the white cotton garment she lay down on her bed, deliberately forgetting to fasten the lock on her door. She hoped Alexander would know what to do; to say she was under informed would be the understatement of the century. She wondered vaguely if she ought to go to try and find him when she heard a knock at her door.

 

She tensed up, expecting Alexander, but it turned out to be Angelica, pale and lanky like a ghost in her own white nightgown. Eliza felt she were looking onto a mirror, seeing the same brown eyes and curly hair, seeing the same clothes. It was discomforting to Eliza, and she listed in her mind the differences between them to soothe herself. The fact that she was exactly two and a half inches taller, for example, or how Angelica wore her hair tied when she slept while Eliza set hers free. “Betsey, you aren't going to believe this,” Angelica began, sounding almost...excited. Not excited in the way one might be excited for a ball, but more of a morbid curiosity. Her grin, Eliza noticed, was more of a grimace, and she still sounded hesitant like she was watching her words. Eliza nodded, signaling for Angelica to continue. “I saw Laurens. He's here, with Alexander.”

 

“Bullshit.”

 

Eliza generally tried not to swear as a habit, but Angelica was so clearly pulling her leg. She frowned at her sister's untasteful joke, reprimanding her lightly with a, “That's not funny, Angelica.” Angelica shook her head quickly. “It’s not a joke. They were outside together in front of the door, just talking,” she announced with a straight face, and Eliza finally believed her. “Probably still out there,” Angelica added as an afterthought. “But, you need to read those letters. Peggy's off bringing Mulligan and Lafayette home, so you can get the box without her thinking something’s up.” 

 

Eliza and Angelica left Eliza's room and went two doors down to Peggy's. Angelica opened the door up for her sister but instead of going in the room as well she started back down the hallway. “Wait, where are you going?” Eliza called out, and Angelica turned back around. “I’m going back outside,” she answered, “I'm going to keep spying on those two. If they do anything suspicious I'll come right back and tell you the details.” “How will I know where the letters are?” Eliza called as Angelica went to leave again. “You'll be fine!” Angelica didn't turn around this time. “Remember, they're in a box tied with a string.” She went around the corner and vanished.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone tell me how traditional heterosexual marriage works


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh shit here comes a sex get ready

Eliza sighed in annoyance, walking into Peggy's bedroom and heading straight for the closet. The three of them had had the same bedrooms ever since they were small, so Eliza knew the layout of the space like it was her own room. She circled around the canopy bed, flung the door in the wall open, and began her search. 

 

This was going to be harder than she initially expected. This was Eliza's first thought upon opening the door to find not one but a variety of wrapped and strung boxes, scattered on various shelves. This confused Eliza for a second, before she remembered:  _ Christmas _ . Christmas was less than two weeks away. These must be the gifts Peggy had bought. She scratched her head, trying to think of a productive plan, but soon realized she was likely going to have to open each box and hope for the best.

 

Eliza took a step forward, fully inside the closet, and planned how she would go about finding her husband's letters. She remembered that Angelica had said that Alexander told Peggy they were a present for her, so it was likely the box she was looking for had her name on it. The first box she picked up was far too heavy; a lifetime of letters would be hard pressed to weigh that much. The second looked promising, but when she shook it the sound didn't seem to match. It felt too solid, the result of a single unified object. It was likely a new dress, she mused silently. Just as she reached for a third package, she could hear heavy footsteps outside the room. Panicking, she closed the door to the closet with herself in it. She decided spur of the moment that she would have to ride it out and wait for whoever it was to leave or fall asleep. Could Peggy really be back already? It seemed like it couldn't have been that long. She sat with her back to the door and was silent, listening.

 

It was two people who came into the room. They didn't speak to each other, but Eliza eventually heard the dull, cushioned thud of a body landing on the bed. Her face turned red as she began to hear faint moaning noises from the room.  _ Who the hell is in here _ ? She thought to herself, cursing her decision to stay. Now she'd be stuck sitting through…this. But who was it? Angelica and her husband? No, he was in London. Had Peggy  _ not _ dropped one of Alexander's friends off? ...Didn't seem likely. She continued to listen in to see if she could discover who it was.

 

“....Oh, fuck, John….!”

 

Eliza's blood turned to ice. Even from behind the door she could recognize that voice. The moaning from Peggy's bedroom grew in volume, and Eliza thought she heard the sound of fabric hitting the floor. She felt her hands shake and curl into fists. There was no way. This had to be some kind of joke. It couldn't - He wouldn't - No!

 

...No?

 

She decided to open the door just a bit. There was no way this could be happening. There was no way. She cracked the door open…

 

There was a way. From what Eliza could see from her peephole Alexander was lying on Peggy’s poster bed, squirming under Laurens’ body. His shirt had been thrown to the floor, and she watched Laurens lick a stripe down Alexander's bare chest, eliciting a loud moan from her husband. Eliza shut the door quickly, knowing now that whatever sound it made upon closing would likely not be noticed. She couldn't think, she couldn't see, she sat with her back against the door of the closet and shook like a wet leaf.

 

And she listened. Though tears pricked at her eyes and blurred her vision and her breath came in ragged pants, it was as if she were more aware of the world than ever before. She heard moaning and gasping. The quiet but distinct sound of buttons being undone.

 

_ Wet _ sounds.

 

The sound of  _ skin on skin _ .

 

Eliza felt her stomach lurch and realized she did not have enough hands. Were she to cover her ears she was sure to see the re-arrival of her wedding cake. Were she to cover her mouth she would hear the sanctity of her marriage dissipating on the very first night it had existed. She opted for the former, breathing heavily into her shaky palms as the world outside seemed to fall apart. She felt something vile rise in her throat and leak from the corners of her mouth, dripping onto her hands. 

 

Time stood still. She didn't know how long it had been until the men outside fell silent. She didn't dare leave. Seconds ticked by in silence before she trusted herself to move. She felt drained, more exhausted than she had ever felt in her life. Laying her body down to sleep, Eliza hit her head upon a cardboard box that was sitting on the floor, tied with string. The tag on it said ‘Elizabeth’ in what she immediately recognized as Peggy's scrawling hand.

 

_ The letters _ . She knew it immediately. The box wasn't wrapped like the others, and was held shut by a twine thread rather than a ribbon. When Alexander gave the box to Peggy she must have put that tag on it, truly believing it to be a gift. Eliza undid the twine to reveal the sheets of parchment inside, stacked neatly but hastily. It wasn't much, but after what had happened...it was enough. She took out the first and began to read:

 

“Cold in my professions, warm in my friendships, I wish, my Dear Laurens…”

  
She could not get herself to read them all. She began to cry, and it is very hard to read when one is crying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kinkshame me collective internet senpai


	4. Chapter 4

In the thirty seconds before remembering why she had fallen asleep in her sister's closet, Eliza's first day of married life was going quite smoothly. She stretched her arms up, bumping them on the shelf above her, and the pain brought her back to the reality of her situation. To distract herself from reliving the imagery of the previous night she pondered whether she was willing to risk opening the door again. She would have to get out sometime. She twisted the knob hesitantly and pushed forward…

 

Alexander and Laurens were gone. Peggy had returned to her bed, and was fast asleep. As she watched her sister's chest rise and fall with her breath, she let out a single burst of laughter into the still morning air. Peggy had no idea what had happened here. Perhaps someday Eliza would tell her. That day was not to be today.

 

Eliza opened the door completely, ready to leave the room, when she looked back to see the box of letters, still open. She started at it for a long moment. She hadn't finished the letters, and a part of her didn't want to. A part of her wanted to leave them in Peggy's room until Christmas when she would receive them again. But she had told Angelica she would read them… And she wanted to know what was going on. She had to know. As she got on her hands and knees to exit Peggy's room without waking her, she grabbed the box and balanced it between her elbows. She put it in her own closet for safekeeping.

 

She didn't see the author of the letters until breakfast. Alexander pulled a chair out at one end of the table as Eliza sat at the other, picking at her eggs miserably. She looked up at him as he took his seat but avoided eye contact. She knew that if she looked into his eyes, she would forgive him.

 

She observed him as he approached her, making notes of his behavior bitterly. Alexander walked with a just noticeable limp, and sat down gently as though expecting the action to cause him pain. Knowing the reason why made Eliza want to stab herself in the wrist with her butter knife, an urge she felt so strongly that she put the utensil under a napkin. After about two minutes he decided to speak to her. “Good morning, dear,” he called out, his voice kind and warm. He sounded tired.  _ He had a long night _ , Eliza thought to herself sarcastically. She stabbed her fork into her fried egg a little too violently, and the yolk that splashed out got on her nightgown. She was too unhappy to care.

 

“I didn't see you in your room last night. Did you go with Peggy to drop off Laf and Hercules?” Alexander asked intently, almost accusative. Eliza knew he was looking at her but she refused to meet his gaze. She made a noncommittal vowel sound and finally took a bite of her egg. It had no flavor to it. 

 

“Is everything alright, Eliza?”

 

At this her will broke and she looked up at him. His features were soft, and when he smiled at her he looked so pitying and sympathetic that Eliza’s heart broke. “I'm just tired, Alex. I didn't get to sleep until two last night.” The words felt fake, heavy in her mouth like stones. Alexander tilted his head understandingly. “I know how that feels. I wish we could spend more time together today, but…” He trailed off. “I have to get ready. To go. You know how it is.”

 

She did. She did know how it was. The war was here; that was an indisputable fact. Alexander had given himself to it, shed his being and become a piece of the machine that would change history. He had a legacy to create. She was now part of this legacy, she realized very suddenly. It had been that way when they had met, it was that way now, and it would continue to be that way until the war was won...or he was killed. She had prepared herself for that reality, but it frightened her still. “How long do you have to stay here?” She asked him, a bit worried. She hoped he wouldn't be dashing off right after they had married; on a deeper, more primal level, she knew that more time involved with the war effort meant more time he would be around Laurens. Laurens instead of her. She recognized the pettiness of her jealousy but did not make any attempts to quell it.

 

“How long are you around today?” Eliza asked as she finished her eggs. She could not remember eating them, but they were gone and her stomach was full. She could not recall what they had tasted like. Alexander pushed his chair back and rose, again with the caution that comes from the anticipation of pain. “I actually should already be out the door. I just wanted to,” he paused as he walked over to her, “share a meal with my wife.” Alexander kissed her lightly on the cheek after saying this. “Love you,” he whispered to her, breathy and quick. He began to walk away, still limping in the slightest. “Did you hurt your leg?” She said, trying to feign curiosity. She wasn't even sure why she had asked him. She wanted to know what he would say, wanted to catch him off his guard and get him to confess. But he just smiled at her as he kept walking. “I think I pulled something. Last night, when we were dancing.” He laughed a bit and the nonchalant sound of it made Eliza’s stomach ache. “I'll be back by tomorrow night at the earliest. I'll miss you!” And with that, he was gone.

  
He had lied to her. He had looked her in the eyes with a straight face and _lied to her_. Her stomach churned as she watched him leave, watched him leave to go see _Laurens_. Had he _practiced_ what he was going to say? Had he _practiced lying to her_? Her jealousy consumed her thoughts, and when she cracked her plate putting it in the sink too rough she hardly even noticed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't expect this to get so much attention??? Y'all are rad thank you for reading this


	5. Chapter 5

This didn't seem like her. Angelica seemed very hesitant, unwilling to acknowledge what Eliza was sure she knew. Angelica shifted her body audibly, making a bizarre noise on the tile. “So how are things with Alexander?” She prompted, letting Eliza know what she was trying to do. Angelica wanted to let the ice melt, to ease her into talking about the problem herself. It wasn't going to work. Eliza sunk herself further into the water to avoid the question. Angelica frowned and tried again. “Um, did you two...consummate, your marriage?”

 

And there it was. That was why Angelica had come in, that was what she wanted to get out of Eliza. But for what purpose? Certainly she knew there was no way things had gone without a hitch. Why did her sister need verbal confirmation of her unhappiness? Eliza slid into the water up to her chin, and her feet stuck up and out of the other side of the bath. “No,” she said roughly, hearing the bitterness in her own voice. After a second she added sharply, “He was too busy getting  _ consummated _ by  _ Laurens _ .”

 

Angelica may have melted the ice but Eliza smashed it in with a hammer. She watched Angelica's face drop with a sadistic pleasure; the jig was up, and they both knew it. Angelica lolled her neck back and sighed dejectedly, letting her long hair fall into the water. She stared at the ceiling, drumming her fingers on the tile floor. “They kissed. Last night, while I was outside,” She confessed, closing her eyes slowly and deliberately. “They were really,” she took a deep breath in, “really going at it. When they went back in, Alex put his hand in Laurens’ trousers.”

 

In an unexpected move, Angelica began to cry. Tears spilled from the corners of her eyes and down her cheeks, leaving visible trails in the powder on her face. “I am so sorry,” Angelica choked out, her voice cracking at the end and making the statement sound like a question. “I thought that it would be better if you knew and I didn't know how serious it was at the time.” She put an arm over her eyes and stopped to catch her breath before continuing. “I realize now that there isn't a thing we can do and I should have thought about that before I told you because now you know but you can't  _ do anything  _ and we're just stuck.”

 

Eliza sat dumbstruck as Angelica cried. Angelica had always been the stronger sister, always the one who calmed everyone down and found a solution, the one with her head in the game. It scared Eliza that her sister was crying. It meant that things were worse than she had imagined. “There, there,” Eliza said uncertainly, petting her sister’s hair as she choked out discordant sobs. She had no idea how she was going to soothe Angelica. It was always Angelica who had soothed her when she was upset, ever since they were children. “It's quite alright. We'll find a way.” Eliza wasn't quite sure what way there was, or what the way would accomplish. “But Betsey, what are we going to  _ do _ ?” Angelica asked with more urgency. Eliza didn't know what to say, deciding eventually to settle on the truth.

  
“I don't have a clue.”


	6. Chapter 6

The days blurred into one another, marked and separated only by her run ins with Alexander. It seemed odd to call them run ins, she thought retrospectively, but there wasn't any other real way to describe their interactions. He would be present for one short moment, a meal, a night, just long enough to take in his presence and just short enough to miss it. She saw his face around corners, at the opposite end of the dining table, opening the door to her bedroom and slipping from the darkness into the lit hall. It was just enough to let him haunt her waking moments, and linger in her dreams.

 

For three months, a blissful, bittersweet three months, she had forgotten about the letters. She cast herself as the forlorn, melancholic soldier's wife wasting away in waiting, and it suited her. She missed him, but in a hopeful way rather than a mournful one. It was in March that she recalled the worrisome plague that had headed off her relationship, and it happened very casually, almost infuriatingly so.

 

“Oh, and I heard from John recently. He wanted to say a late happy birthday to your mother. Isn't that thoughtful of him? Anyway, goodbye, dear. See you next week. Love you.”

 

There were multiple elements of this that irked Eliza, each one more petty than the next. As Alexander walked out the door after his statement, she retreated to her room fuming internally. What kind of thing is that to say to someone when you're about to leave them for a whole week? What context was there? Alex hadn't spoken of Laurens individually since their wedding, and she hadn’t even seen the little home wrecker’s face since it had been attached to Alexander’s neck the same night. Was it because he was leaving? Was he thinking of Laurens as he left? Was he eager to get back to Laurens?

 

“Ugh!” She cried out, falling back onto her bed melodramatically. She felt like a teenager again, absorbed by her bitterness and anguish. It was oddly cathartic. Rolling her neck to the side, she faced her closet door and a memory struck her.  _ The letters _ . The letters! She had never finished reading them, first out of unhappiness and then simply out of forgetfulness. She wondered if it were really the right time to...well, there wasn't really a right time for something like that. She rolled off her bed onto the floor with a satisfying thump, and scooted on her back to the closet. She wasn't sure why. Why not?

 

She retrieved the box of sin from her closet and sat it on her bed, staring at it for a moment and taking deep breaths. She was going to do it this time. She was going to read all of the letters in that box and  _ god damn it _ if it killed her so be it. She had to know the extent of their relationship. She sat cross legged on her blankets, untied the string, and laid out all the letters in front of her. For a moment she felt foolish, guilty like a jealous schoolgirl who steals love letters that aren't hers. She swallowed hard and picked up the earliest dated letter, determined in her task. April, 1779. A year before she had met him.

  
  


“Cold in my professions, warm in my friendships, I wish, my Dear Laurens, it might be in my power, by action rather than words, to convince you that I love you. I shall only tell you that 'till you bade us Adieu, I hardly knew the value you had taught my heart to set upon you.”

 

What the hell? This was the most flowery language she had ever seen in Alexander's writing, and that was coming from his actual wife. It felt weird to be jealous about this letter he wrote before even meeting her, and she frowned upon thinking about the implications of that. Did that make  _ her _ the other woman? That was...very uncomfortable to her, especially since she was the only woman. She pushed that aside and moved on with the letters.

 

Eliza laughed as she read, shaking her head at her husband's foolishness. He wrote fondly of how he wished for Laurens to find him a wife in South Carolina, describing the manner in which he should be described to potential maidens.

 

“To excite their emulation, it will be necessary for you to give an account of the lover - his  _ size _ , make, quality of mind and  _ body _ , achievements, expectations, fortune, & c. In drawing my picture, you will no doubt be civil to your friend; mind you do justice to the length of my nose and don't forget, that I-----”

 

Eliza grimaced at the end of the paragraph, any humor in it gone in her eyes. It felt… Gross, honestly, the implication of the familiarity between Laurens and...the length of Alexander's nose. She tried not to make a big deal out of it, but her hands twitched uncomfortably just thinking about it and she knew something had to be done. She took the letter out of her room and down the hall, refusing to look at it. She went into Alexander's office, sitting at his desk and putting the letter down. In one quick move she grabbed a quill, dipped it in ink, and wildly scribbled out the last words of that paragraph. She cried out as she did it, excited and scared and upset all at once. She scribbled so hard she was afraid she would rip the parchment. When she was done, she looked at her work, grinning, until she saw the end of the letter.

 

“Do I want a wife? No--I have plagues enough without desiring to add to the number that greatest of all; and if I were silly enough to do it, I should take care how I employ a proxy. Did I mean to show my wit? If I did, I am sure I have missed my aim. Did I only intend to frisk? In this I have succeeded, but I have done more. I have gratified my feelings, by lengthening out the only kind of intercourse now in my power with my friend. Adieu   
Yours.   
A Hamilton”

  
It hurt. She was going to be honest with herself, it hurt. She know the letter was from a year ago and they hadn’t met each other yet but...it seemed like such a forward statement.  _ No _ . Her husband was a stubborn man, who stuck by his beliefs - How quickly could his beliefs have changed? She knew where her thoughts were headed but she let it be.  _ Did he change his mind when the money ran out _ ? She hated herself for thinking it instantly. She stood up quickly, trying to distance herself from the letter, but her head spun and she half sat, half fell onto the floor. Tears pricked at her eyes, and a sense of tiredness washed over her. More than tiredness. She felt like her body had turned to stone, her mind and her thoughts to iron. She lay on the hardwood floor of Alexander's office, flat on her back, and a tear spilled from her right eye and rolled, slowly and deliberately, onto her sleeve. She fell asleep, right there. It didn't matter. It wasn't like he was going to find her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just so you're aware guys this chapter has one of those little historical inaccuracies. The correspondence between Laurens and Hamilton was /not/ censored by Eliza! It was done by her son, John Church Hamilton, after Alexander's death.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh man guys here comes another sex™ watch out

The weather got warmer, but Eliza's heart got colder. The snow melted, and the sun shone, but it did not bring her joy in the way it used to. Alexander was not with her. He was with her less and less, it felt, though she wasn't sure if it was just in her mind. It felt like the world was graying at the edges, fraying from wear and tear and losing color. She became fidgety, anxious and on edge in her manner. In her mind every night Alexander was away became a night he was spending with Laurens. She felt restless, spending many an hour pacing the halls aimlessly. She slept often. She bathed often as well. Her life became a collection of separate moments with no united meaning.

 

She took the letters and put them on Alexander's desk. She had felt compelled to throw them into the fireplace, box and all, but she decided against it. He was already going to notice the crossed out words; not to mention the placement of the box in his office. All she knew was that she didn't want to look at them anymore. She trudged back to her room, an all too familiar heaviness plaguing her steps. As she lay on her bed, it was like she had stones attached to her eyelids. She lay with eyes closed, fully dressed and not even under a blanket. Why was she so tired? She didn't used to feel this way. Unable to combat it she drifted into a deep slumber.

 

She had the most wonderful dream.

 

It was her wedding night again, and she was walking down the aisle in her dress. Alexander turned to her and smiled, warm and welcoming. As she approached him, rather than the apprehension and anxieties she had felt in the real world, she was ecstatic, feeling on top of the world. There was a spring in her step, and when she and Alexander exchanged their vows they looked straight into each other’s eyes.  When they kissed it was unlike anything Eliza had ever felt, like her world melted away for just a moment. He was gentle with her, and held her hand as they walked into the banquet hall with their friends and family. This is where the resemblance to the real world ended.

 

Alexander sat next to Eliza at the table in her beautiful dream, laughing and smiling with his arm around her. He had such a way with words, charming both his friends and her family and keeping everyone entertained. When they danced, everyone’s eyes were on them as they twirled and spun to the music. Eliza hadn't felt happiness like that in what felt like years, and she wanted to stay in that moment forever.

 

Like all moments, however, it was replaced by another. Even in dreams it is this way. The party wound down to an end and the guests started to leave. Alexander was still with her, and as Peggy left with Mulligan and Lafayette,he stood up and beckoned for Eliza to do the same. When she did, he took her hand and led her out of the banquet hall by her hand. “Where are you taking me?” Alexander turned back to her and smiled. “I'm about to change your life.” Eliza laughed uncomfortably, not quite getting what he meant, but followed him anyway. Alexander opened the door to Eliza's room and the two of them went inside. Eliza very suddenly realized what was happening, and felt a little dumb for not seeing it before.

 

Oh.

 

_ Oh _ .

 

His lips were on hers even before he had closed the door. When Eliza's back hit the mattress she hardly even noticed. Alexander angled his head to deepen the kiss and pressed his hips against hers. “God, Elizabeth, you're beautiful,” he pulled away from her mouth and whispered into her ear before leaning in again to kiss her neck. He had never called her Elizabeth before, and the tone of his voice made her shiver. Eliza mewled in ecstasy as he nipped lightly at the sensitive skin just under her jawline. Alexander reached a hand up the bottom of her gown and ran it up her body at an agonizingly slow pace, letting Eliza savor every second of his touch. As he went up her thigh he ghosted his hand between her legs for just a second, eliciting a gasp. Alexander let out a low chuckle and reached his hand up onto her torso, grabbing her right breast.

 

And then…?

 

Eliza was so lost in the sensation of him that she hardly noticed the cool air on her skin as Alexander undressed her.

 

And then…!

 

Alexander was undressing himself as Eliza watched with baited breath. She was too hesitant to reach out to help him with the many buttons on his pants.

 

_ And then _ !

 

Her little heart beat  _ so _ loud as Alexander leaned over her, hands on her shoulders, about to-

 

“Eliza!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone catch that corpse bride reference
> 
> I sure did because I have literally never been straight or experienced sexual attraction


	8. Chapter 8

Her eyes flew open, and it was a bizarre sensation as they had been open already in her dream. It took her a moment to take in the room, because the sun had set in the time she had been asleep. It had been nearly noon when she had gotten into bed.Opposites are always hard to adapt to, as one expects to sleep in darkness and awaken to light. There was someone shaking her shoulder lightly, and when they repeated, “Eliza!” she realized it was Angelica. “Angelica, what’s going on?” Eliza muttered sleepily, and Angelica pulled her onto her feet at a shocking speed before answering. “Alexander’s back!”

 

In the afterhaze of Eliza’s dream she only really heard what Angelica said,  without understanding. Angelica dragged her through the winding, candle lit halls like a ragdoll, and Eliza fixate on the sound their bare feet made as they ran in unison across the hardwood of the floor. It drummed in her skull in a rhythm as she played through the facts of the situation. She had dreamed of Alexander. Alexander was here now. In her dream, they had-. Would they-? Eliza’s face flushed red as she and Angelica approached the foyer where she could already see the top of Alexander’s head amongst a crowd of her relatives, all wanting to know why he was back. As she and Angelica picked up speed, Eliza noticed a strange dampness on the insides of her thighs, which she was certain had not been there before she had gone to sleep. She filed it with the rest of her uneasiness as she and her husband met eyes.

 

“Betsey!” Alexander called out to Eliza, striding forward and embracing her. She smiled wide on instinct and wrapped her arms around his neck, looking straight into his eyes. Her mind still weighed itself down with sleepiness, but Alexander's brilliant blue eyes burned in focus, like two pinpoints in the dark. They held each other among the ruckus of the crowd for a good moment, not speaking. Alexander eventually looked up to face Eliza's family, who were all talking over each other with various degrees of worry and surprise. “I'd like some time alone with my wife, please. If that isn't too much to ask?”

 

The crowd reluctantly agreed, collectively stepping away from the two of them. Alexander smiled at them apologetically and took Eliza out of the foyer and back into the halls. He walked with her gently but with urgency, and they didn't speak until Alexander led Eliza into her room. He sat down on the edge of Eliza's bed, and she soon followed suit. He turned to her, looking her straight in the eyes, and put his hand on her shoulder.

  
“Eliza, I came to say goodbye."

“What? What do you mean?” Eliza wasn't quite sure how to respond.  _ You've already been gone _ , a small part of her piped up, but she pushed it away. Alexander sighed and ran his fingers slowly through her hair. “I have to go to Virginia first thing tomorrow morning,” he announced, looking more serious than Eliza had ever seen him. “I need to-” he stopped for a second, a small frown forming on his face. “Washington needs me to lead his men. On the battlefield, in Yorktown. ” he sounded...almost like he was apologizing to her. “Eliza, we are so close. We can end things here, we can  _ win _ , but…” His voice wavered only slightly. “If I...well. I want you to promise me that you'll… You'll be able to go on.” 

 

Eliza’s hands shook the whole time he spoke. He was going to be on the battlefield. He may have been gone but...this time he might not be back. Again the tiny part of her mind spoke its bitterness:  _ if he never comes back, the last person he will ever be with will be  _ **_Laurens_ ** . She shook her head to clear her thoughts. This is not the time.  _ This is not the time _ . Eliza looked up to Alexander with determination. “I promise.” She said it slowly and methodically, making sure her voice stayed steady. And he smiled at her. He smiled at her like she was his entire world, like she was a candle in the dark of night. Like she had saved him.

 

When they fell together, Eliza hardly noticed until the back of her head hit her mattress. Her face flushed red as she looked up at Alexander, watching his chest rise and fall with deepened breaths. “Eliza.” He said it as a statement, pointedly and without question. And then his mouth was on hers, and he kissed her with a passion she had not known before. She squirmed under his touch, and after what felt like an eternity he pulled away from her and whispered in her ear. His voice had taken on a new tone, breathy and lowered by an octave. Eliza felt his hand on her lower thigh, a strange coldness against her burning skin.

 

“ _ My _ Eliza.”

 

... _ Oh _ .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys so this might be the last chapter posted for a few days, this is as far as I've written haha. But I will continue to update don't worry


	9. Chapter 9

By the time Eliza woke, Alexander was gone. She had been expecting as much, but her heart still ached at his absence. She realized that they had never really said goodbye. They had only…well. She felt an odd weight on her conscience because of this. She knew that if he died and she never saw him again she would not forgive herself. Her days became occupied with waiting for him to return, and she felt constantly on edge. If she sat still for too long her fingers would twitch and shake on their own accord from inactivity, and her toes would tap to a nonexistent rhythm. She found it hard to sleep at night, pacing the halls of her father's home back and forth and watching the sun rise with a cup of tea. She had never felt more tired in her life, and yet never had sleep evaded her to such an extreme.

 

Her body felt like a mess to the same level. If she stood up even just a little faster than usual, she would feel extraordinarily light headed, and often felt the need to sit down again to recover. She almost continually felt on the verge of vomiting, and because of this she spent much time in the necessary despite never actually committing the act. Her body felt sore all over, and on one occasion when Peggy accidentally elbowed her in the breast she felt she would die. 

 

The biggest red light for Eliza came one unsuspecting May day while she, Angelica, and Peggy sat doing the laundry. Laundry was one of the only household tasks they did themselves, and they had been doing it for as long as they could remember. It was a way for them to bond over a unified task, and as strange as it may sound Eliza was glad for it. She frowned as she took the last dress out of the tub and inspected it thoroughly, announcing “No, not this one either,” to her sisters. Eliza had been expecting to find her blood on at least one of her garments, but they all remained unblemished. She had not found blood on any of her clothing since March.

 

The three of them looked to each other solemnly, before Peggy spoke up. “It’s been more than a month now, right?” Eliza nodded quickly, and they all let out a different kind of odd noise. Peggy made an anxious squeak that bordered on excitement, and Angelica inhaled cautiously. Eliza just sighed. They knew what it meant, to not find blood, and whether this was a blessing or a curse could not yet be determined. “...Congratulations?” Angelica answered after a lengthy pause, her voice cracking awkwardly so that the whole scenario just dissolved into laughter. Peggy and Eliza laughed and laughed, and Angelica eventually joined in too. They laughed so hard Eliza thought her lungs would burst, but when Peggy lost her balance and fell forward into the wash tub she laughed even harder. They sat like that, laughing with each other hysterically, for a good long moment until their peels of laughter transitioned into soft attempts to regain their breath.

 

“So...So is it  Alexander's?” Peggy asked once she could speak again, rolling up her so shed. “No, Margarita, it's the Marquis of Lafayette’s,” Eliza answered sarcastically, still in the aftermath of her outburst. “Peggy, he's my  _ husband _ , I think it's fair to assume the child is his.” This gave up a few more chuckles, but the moment had passed. Their grins faded, and they returned to the task at hand. “You'll have to tell him.” Angelica said quietly. Any hint that she had been laughing was gone from her voice. Eliza looked up from her folding and met her sister’s eyes. “I know that.” “And if he…” Angelica trailed off, but her eyes finished her sentence for her. “Well, you'd have to be on your own. Are you ready for that? Have you thought about what you’ll do?” Eliza’s breath hitched in her throat, and she swallowed visibly before she spoke. “Yes. I've thought about it. I'm an adult, Angelica, you don't have to worry for me.”

 

That was a tiny bit of a lie. She hadn't thought about the fact that she might be raising a child as a widow, and now that she was thinking about it it terrified her.


End file.
